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A box of kleenex is no longer adequate.

Feb 8th, 2010 by June

Its a flu bout of epic proportions when you use an entire roll of toilet paper.

And that’s just for your nose.

I didn’t miss a SINGLE day of school. Did all my assignments DAILY and with so much interest too. The big exam is in a day’s time and here I am- a red, runny nose, congested chest and swollen eyes.

“But its just the Danish language exam.” Didn’t you know that learning Danish requires growing new throat muscles?  All these glottal stops, phlegmatic R’s and the take-your-tongue-for-on-a-rollercoaster-ride soft D’s are ripping me a new adams apple.

Lose my femininity also and flunk test also.  FML!

Danish class was much more fun that I expected! I really like the class I am in and our teachers. Sadly most of my class will be moving on while I take a break for few weeks.

The main challenge so far has been to forget all my manners and learn to speak with my tongue wildly flapping out. Also forgotten is enunciation. Danish language encourages swallowing of words and syllables and making harsh guttural sounds. I hear the best way to learn Danish is to drink till your words slur.

On Wednesday, test day- my school bag may contain a bottle of  tequila.

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Posted in Lost in translation, Love Immigrant | 6 Comments »

Hello!

Feb 4th, 2010 by June

So, we wrapped up yet another round of apartment hunting and were on our way home in a bus. I was talking to my husband – of all things- about how my Danish phonetics teacher showed us a picture of her TWENTY TWO year old son. My teacher doesn’t look a day over 35! Yes we are the kind of couple that discuss teachers and their sons.

Just before our stop, a girl came up to us and asked – “Is your name June? ” and added  “I read your blog”!!!!!

My legendary slow reflexes surfaced. I don’t know what I said to her or if I said anything at all. I should have asked her to pay for the place we just saw. It cant be a coincidence that I meet her on the very day we see an apartment we really like! That would also remind her not to talk to strangers on a bus ;)

But hey you stranger on the bus 1A, sorry I didn’t even ask your name. I was quite shocked and surprised. Say hi in the comments section?

The husband thinks its quite cool because he has been on the cover of a magazine 5 times but has never been recognised. He once pointed out his picture to a guy at a shawarma stall, but the guy didn’t believe him. It might have to do with the fact that he mostly poses like this.

Now I am very curious about who else reads my blog. I get a about 500 readers on days I post. 495 readers more than I ever expected, I must add!! But very few comment. Silent readers, please say hi!!

Posted in Love Immigrant | 60 Comments »

Indians on the Internet

Feb 2nd, 2010 by June

It’s always the men! A friend tweeted. Why are Indian guys in the Denmark forum so annoying??? She is not the first one to ask me this question.

Me: Are they asking you “I have IT degree, can I get job pliss”

Her: No, they want to get to know me  and are flirting with  me. One guy wrote to her- You seem very lonely in Copenhagen. I have no idea how he came to that conclusion just from reading her typed words about residence permit regulations!

Now this friend is quite active on Internet forums for expats and takes time out to help strangers with information about jobs, permits, wages etc. I can visualise the Indian guy thinking, “Arrey wah! she is giving me so much bhao, answering all my questions, she must be interested in me.”

Blame it on Maine Pyaar Kiya, an Indian film which had the epic dialogue ‘ Ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahin ho sakte’- A boy and a girl can never be just friends. Yeah, a wtf on many levels, but that is how few Indian men think. Especially men in IT! For the abbreviation challenged people, it means Information Technology.

Many people laugh at Indians. But frankly, few Indians make it very difficult for the majority of us to defend ourselves. And it is ALWAYS Indian men with IT degrees acting silly over the Internets, line maroing with lame ass lines they think are flirtatious.

Their questions are always template – Can I get an IT job in America, Denmark, Estonia? How much salary? How much rent? Can you help me get green-card? This will be followed by – You are verrry beautiful. You have boyfriend? You like Indian food?

Dude! you spent FOUR years studying information technology at IIT or wherever and you cant do a simple google search?  You IT professionals from India, the greatest IT nation in the universe, please try google.com. Chances are you will find most general answers there.

Asking someone already residing in a country to verify information they got off the inter-webs, is understandable and the logical thing to do. But these IT degreed guys spam members with private messages with the VERY questions which have been answered time and again. Questions which have pages of detailed answers and live threads where one can discuss them.

I consider it laziness. They simply don’t care to do their own homework. Sample this email I got. Without as much as a Hello.

I sent him back a link to the Danish embassy in Delhi which has all the info. In bullet points- for easy comprehension. I was tempted to add a – Do I look like a consultant or an embassy official?

SAMPLE 2 at the ‘Foreigners in Denmark’ forum:  An Indian writes in saying he wants to make DANISH friends. Members point out that its for foreigners. He writes back an angry rant saying. “Of course I know its for foreigners only. I am also writing to make friends with native Danish only.”

I sent him a private message ” Hey, foreigners does not mean only white firangis. YOU are a foreigner in Denmark. This forum is for people like us, so you wont find Danes here.”

Very generally speaking- when we say foreigner / firangi in India, we mean white people. The forum said it was for foreigners in Denmark, so he assumed it was a forum for Danish people who want to meet other nationals!

He writes back- Ok. Ok. Thank you. Do you know IT job? I have greencard.

You can follow me on twitter here No questions about IT jobs please. And really,  its not nice to be like that ONLY.

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Posted in My India | 20 Comments »

Blame it on the snow.

Jan 28th, 2010 by June

There is something about a grey winter that stretches more than just my nerves.

Must go on a diet of  2 soya beans. and a wedge of lime.

But the snow. it makes me drink hot chocolate. with big dollops of cream. the cream is eaten first. with a spoon. to make way for more cream. on the hot chocolate.

Pic:thedailyrandonneur.wordpress.com

It is perhaps the 2 glasses of hot chocolate i drink at school. everyday. and another one i drink when i get home. or the candy i eat till my teeth hurt. my jeans have shrunk. even the ones with elastic waistbands. they leave angry red wrinkles on my hips now.

Snow, snow and more snow. it feels like the clouds are crumbling. falling on earth. damn you snow. have you no self control? shrinking jeans. hot chocolate.

Pic: flickr.com/photos/16nine/

My first winter as a resident of Copenhagen is the coldest it has been in many years. it has been snowing like it hasn’t in a long time. snowing way heavier. way beyond the usual months. temperatures are dropping to double digits. minus. i wanted a white christmas. christmas is long gone. but the gift keeps on giving. I am not thankful.

dear snow, please go fall on a post card.

When I first saw a snow flake, i squealed. they look exactly like the splattered stars they draw on post cards i said. so pretty. but now there are birthdays and engagement parties. They call for high heels. with a peep of shiny red toenails. and teeny weeny shimmery dresses.

snow flake!

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Posted in Love Immigrant | 6 Comments »

Hide!!!!

Jan 27th, 2010 by June

I must now be careful not to strangle kittens or pick wedgies while sitting at my window. Here is another reason in favour of curtains – big brother is watching or at least  www.krak.dk and google maps are.

Look! that is my apartment above the cafe. You will  notice that only the middle window has a sheet hastily hung as a curtain. It is a recent picture from when we had just moved in.

Google maps are cool, I am a bit addicted to them right now but anyone else think they are a little invasive? While it is ok to photograph people in public spaces, these maps often show details of private spaces. You can see the inside of peoples homes, you can see them sunbathing nude in their gardens.

My father in law got his few pixels of fame on google maps!! We can see him doing something with his car just outside his house. Must be careful from now on to wash car on good hair day and in nice clothes!

I am only posting this picture because we are moving out of this apartment. It will  be a bad idea to throw rocks at my window because you will only hit some innocent person with no connection to this annoying blog. Also remember google maps is watching you!

Dammit, I sound like an angry woman at odds with everything. MUST. DO. HAPPY. POST. about how the lakes in Copenhagen have frozen, they look SO PRETTY, some people go out the lakes to skate and picnic on the pretty frozen lakes but sometimes they fall through thin ice and DIE. OK, I am off to roll down my curtains and dig my nose where the cameras don’t shine.

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Posted in Love Immigrant | 5 Comments »

Angry Tigress.

Jan 25th, 2010 by June

I must declare my bias. I must also mention that my bias comes from knowing better. Today, Midday, an Indian newspaper carried an article which got front page placement  with ‘BEASTS’ written in a huge font size followed by Arunachal’s tiger worshipping tribals ironically killed a tiger on Jan 7th and sold its skin for 1 lakh! It goes on to add- A tiger was  murdered using poisoned arrows by the very tribe in Arunachal Pradesh that considers it sacred.

Fuck you Midday, for calling my entire tribe BEASTS. Is it so impossible to write an anti-poaching article without degrading an entire tribe? Midday was so caught up in stereotyping, they forgot to check their facts.

  1. Not that you, a ‘national media’, is interested in what little tribal people do, but thought I should let you know. OUR TRIBE DOES NOT WORHIP TIGERS.
  2. We don’t have a religion. We are pagan animists who consider the sun and moon [Donyi Polo] our parents. We do not have religious rituals, shrines, idols or places of worship for the sun and moon and especially not for tigers.
  3. Attributing the actions of a few poachers/ hunters to an entire tribe reeks of usual disgraceful stereotyping of minorities by the dominant group.
  4. It is NOT poaching unless an animal has been deliberately hunted and killed in a protected reserve for commercial trade. And no, it is not just a question of semantics.
  5. Some tribes hunt as a way of life, they live close to nature which brings them in contact with animals which they may sometimes have to kill. This is called ‘bringing food to table’- not poaching.
  6. We live in the Himalayan foot hills. We cultivate paddy for rice, fish in our abundant rivers and hunt for meat. If we meet a tiger in the forest, we kill it, because if we don’t, it will kill us. Duh!

I do not condone poaching and killing of animals. But I support subsistence hunting if that is a way of life and absolutely oppose dominant media playing up to the gallery and stereotyping tribes as beasts.

I doubt if professional poachers use bows and arrows. That the tribesmen used poisoned bows and arrows hints that they were possibly hunting (not poaching) and decided to sell the skin once they had a dead tiger on hand. Even if they were poachers, it still doesn’t justify calling an entire tribe, a tribe of beasts.

P.S: Thank you for your very original headline ‘Crouching tiger, hidden poacher’. It brought up images of the kung fu fighting tribals from y’know the ‘asian’ part of Asia. Arunachal is [still] a part of India.

[Link to article]

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Posted in Bharatiya Nari, My India | 17 Comments »

It’s easy if you try.

Jan 23rd, 2010 by June

This post is not about ALL Danes but about few many blockheads who also happen to be Danish.

World peace and comprehending Danish spoken by foreigners- IT’S EASY IF YOU TRY. My teacher tells me that my danish accent is fairly OK. Boldened by her words, I went to a cafe and said- Jeg vil gerne have te. [Yavi gyarne haa teh] Instead of being served tea, I got a– Sorry, can you repeat that again- in ENGLISH. Oh well! I am at a cafe and I said the word TEA- that must mean I want a SPACESHIP or maybe a disco dancing hamster!


The waitress wasn’t being rude, she was only trying to make it easier for me. But there are many Danes who take extreme pleasure in not understanding a single word of Danish spoken by foreigners, unless spoken with just the right accent. Instead of stringing together key words to get a conversation going, they will correct your accent and pronunciation. Dance monkey dance! Speak in Danish with right accent! Oh look! Monkey can’t say the soft D’s and the harsh R’s. Try monkey try!

“But Oh princess Mary, an Australian speaks such good Danish”. Right! Make all immigrants princesses, give us the best private tutors, give us plenty time to learn Danish without having to worry about juggling work, school, house work and  THEN allow us to have a chat with Princess Mary. In Danish. Over tea.

My favourite TV show in Denmark is X Factor because almost everyone on the show sings in English.  Even with their heavy accents, it’s quite easy for me to understand. Wah! So convenient! They get to sing in English but monkeys must speak in Danish.

It is a simple case of lack of effort. They dont try. Never mind foreigners, Danes can’t understand each other! Denmark is such a small country of just 5 million, but people living in Copenhagen claim they cannot understand the Danish spoken by Jutlanders who live far- only 3 HOURS by train- far away.

Dear [few] Danes, there’s a big world out there with innumerable accents. Yes! There is a world beyond Germany  and beyond London too!  YES, also beyond south of France. But we do and we can communicate in few shared languages if we overlook small hurdles such as accents. I mean, come on! I can ‘talk’ with dogs trained to receive commands in Danish, so surely it cant be so hard for humans!

I love my Danish class. My vocabulary is increasing. When people laugh at my Danish I can now say- Jeg kommer fra Indien, men jeg kan tale lidt Dansk. Hvor mange sprog kan DU tale kælling?

P.S: I don’t think my teacher will be too proud of the Danish I have been learning.

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Posted in Love Immigrant, Only in Denmark | 49 Comments »

Pussy Club…

Jan 21st, 2010 by June

…not the kind that sells siamese kittens either. It is a real club in Copenhagen, painted deep purple with fortified iron doors. I love how the club has a no fuss name and says exactly what it offers. It sells ladies, specific parts belonging to ladies.

Typical of my luck to be hunting for an apartment and be shown one above the Pussy Club. Just when I was cleaning up my act around here and making it a  family friend site, fate conspires to  make me type ‘pussy‘.

The apartment is small or as big as it gets on our meagre budget, but it is sunny and feels roomy. We saw another apartment on a posh street but it is kinda dark and cramped in comparison. The one above the brothel gives me a good, happy vibe compared to the posh one. And I am big on first vibes.

I am of course worried about living above a sex club, about weird people and umm…the noise. I suffer enough sex noises from my current neighbour. But being professionals, I guess they have sound proofed walls unlike my amateur neighbour. We got both apartments analysed and they surprisingly have equal appreciation and resale values. They also cost the same. Le sigh! The confusion! Nice place above sex club or cramped one on posh street??!

I am tempted to take the apartment above Pussy Club just for the pleasure of saying Pussy Club when giving directions and perhaps an interesting blog post or two. I’ve already imagined how to do up the apartment and dreamt about asking our guests, “Dahling, shall I offer you tea, coffee or pussy?”

Look they have a website!! www.pussy-club.dk . Link not safe for work or children. Only in Denmark does even a S&M, bondage club advertise itself primarily as a hyggelige værelser- cosy place. Yeah right!  A very cosy place to be chained in leather & steel and get whipped by big and strong viking dominatrixes.

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Posted in Only in Denmark | 16 Comments »

He loves me.

Jan 20th, 2010 by June

Revelations, they appear out of nowhere.

Sometimes they appear when you are with your new danish boyfriend, at a party, in his country, with his friends you are meeting for the first time. You find it easy to make conversation with his friends. They know you from what the boyfriend has told them of you. There are no small talk hoops to be jumped over, the conversation is comfortable, familiar.

And then you think he really loves me! It strikes you then and you wonder why you didn’t notice this before. If you had known this trick earlier and been more observant, fewer frogs would have been kissed.

If you meet your boyfriend’s mates for the first time and they have never heard of you, its probably a bad sign. “But he is a rather private person”, might offer some comfort, but we all know that men like to discuss things they consider important – money and women. Especially women they really like.

On the other hand, if you meet your partner’s friends for the first time and they know about you, chances are he really likes you. He may still turn out to be an asshole, but at least he will be an asshole who likes you.

But you should probably start to worry if his friends know too much about you and  if they go * grin*wink*nudge* around you.

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Posted in Dating and Mating, The Musling | 2 Comments »

It’s as easy as 1277.

Jan 16th, 2010 by June

If you wanted to help the earthquake affected in Haiti but didn’t know how to, simply sms KATASTROFE to 1277 to donate 150 crowns to Red Barnet Denmark. America has more personnel and logistical support stationed in Haiti right now, so it might also be a good idea to donate to American chapters of credible organisations such as Doctors without borders and Red cross through their websites.

Skip dinner if you cant spare 150, someone needs it more than you do.

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Posted in Love Immigrant | 4 Comments »

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