Epic Social Failure.

What does it make me if the number of clubs my dog belongs to = 1, number of clubs I belong to = 0?  An epic social failure?

Today the postman brought Picolo a message from Rajashree Khalap. He is now a member of the elite ‘Indian Pariah Dog Club’ with over 180 members. I am guessing they meet to smoke cigars, sip some scotch and indulge in general bitchery about their human slaves.

Picolo in Danish means the office boy/girl who serves coffee, makes photocopies – you get the idea. Now you know why I really wanted a dog. Don’t look at me like that! Ever tried getting your own coffee? It hurts.

I found Picolo below my apartment, a wee lil stray dog who would follow me around my apartment block. It was a sign from the universe to take him home. I googled till my fingers bled, memorised dog whisperer tricks. Even put my forehead against his and willed him to understand that I am HIS MASTER.

That was four months ago. Today I am his picolo, I am also his poop cleaner, pee wiper, monthly hamam bather, a general lump of human flesh bites at will and someone he mocks.

You ask how such a l.i.i.i.t.l.e puppy can mock me? Well please explain why after 2 months of being the perfectly trained dog,  he decides that peeing and pooping on the newspaper is simply not his style anymore.  He now puts only his front paws on it and takes a long relieving leak. End result- crisp dry newspaper and a wet puddle near the paper. I KNOW, he knows that his man part is down south, near his hind legs. God is witness, he licks it all day (Picolo, not God). Same goes for his poop, strategically dumped a hair’s breadth away from the newspaper.  Still not convinced? Then try explaining why it takes him an hour to poop when I walk him after his meals. If I let him stay in the house for even 5 measly minutes after his meal, I am greeted with a brown lump of “take that bitch”!

I could send him to the butcher, but then he makes big brown eyes at me, licks my feet, gives me his paw, snuggles against my belly and I melt like warm dog piss.

Here is a picture of my handsome child sticking his tongue out at me. If he had a middle paw, he’d show it.

P.S: Yes I know the correct spelling is ‘Piccolo’. Blame his Danish father for the missed ‘c’.